Writing in the Corner

A mailing list I subscribe to, Just Tell Me What to Cook, sent a recipe a couple of months ago for Green Spaghetti. It’s a really quick meal of spaghetti with a sauce made of parmesan cheese, broth, milk, and steamed spinach, all pureed together. The little boy loves it. Little boy loves almost nothing except peanut butter and jelly and macaroni and cheese. I have only served this twice, but was thrilled both times that he liked it so much, because it has spinach in it. Green vegetables!

On the other hand, DH was a bit put off by the color. OK, quite put off. The first time I fixed it, I thought it was because he was surprised by the shade and intensity of green. So, this time, I asked him in advance: “Is it OK if I make Green Spaghetti for dinner tomorrow?” He said it would be fine.

DH is not a picky eater (as long as I don’t try to make him eat celery, raisins, or peanut butter). He will cheerfully eat almost anything I cook, thanking me for cooking and praising the food. But for the green spaghetti, he felt the need to eat with the dining room light off.

It figures. I finally find a healthy recipe with vegetables in it that little boy will eat, and it makes DH turn about the same color as the spaghetti. He ate it, though. What a trooper.

The turkey is stuffed and in the oven.

The potatoes are peeled.

The turkey’s neck is simmering slowly in a small saucepan full of water, which will reduce to about half, for seasoning for the gravy.

The pumpkin pies are baked, resting on the counter, taunting us.

Left to do are rolls and pecan pies to be baked, green bean casserole to assemble, potatoes to be boiled and mashed, turkey to be basted every half hour or so, gravy to be prepared, and Scrabble to be played.

It looks like it will be a nice relaxing day, where my only problem will be that I have too much to eat.

Happy Thanksgiving, all.

When I first lost my job last year, I wasn’t terribly concerned. I had always been able to find work fairly quickly, and didn’t see any reason why it would be different this time. I was taking classes, and that was a distraction from looking for work. I also made as much on unemployment as I would have at a minimum wage job, so that was a strong disincentive to take that kind of job.

When my unemployment ran out, I started to get worried, but again I was taking classes and that was eating up a lot of my time. By the end of the summer, though, I was starting to get pretty desperate. I fell into the trap of distorted thinking.

I didn’t realize what was happening, but I began to isolate myself in earnest. I rarely left the house. I didn’t have a car, which made it harder to get out even if I wanted to. I didn’t want to. I was convinced that I was repulsive, unpleasant, and socially inept. I rejected people before they rejected me (which I knew they would). I completely internalized my inability to find a job as the natural consequences of my looks (fat and ugly), personality (socially inept and unable to relate to people), and talents (no degree. Nuf said). It was only on the ‘net that I was able to interact with people in any meaningful way, and that was because they couldn’t see me. I was able to fake them out.

Between therapy and going back to work, I’ve started to come around quite a bit. People at work are nice to me. They don’t recoil in disgust when they see me. I’ve only been at the job three weeks, and I’m already getting pretty good at it. I’m great on the phone. I mean, great on the phone. I’m starting to see more clearly how damaging my self-imposed isolation was.

I am still not much interested in making any real connections. I am happy to be functioning among other humans, but still quite fearful of forming any real bonds. I used to be quite a social creature. That is absolutely not the case right now. I don’t care to see people other than my family when I’m not at work.

My therapist is encouraging me to go on retreat. She has given me a phone number and a name, and even knows when and where a one-day retreat will be happening. I’m going to sign up, I guess. And while part of me is intrigued at the idea, another part - a bigger part - dreads it. Because there will be people there, and my isolated self still thinks, even with all the evidence to the contrary, that they won’t like me.

I think it will probably take many experiences of that not being the case before I’m really recovered.

I get up at 5:00 a.m. We leave the house at 6:20 or so and I get to work an hour later if we’re lucky and the traffic runs smoothly. We leave the city at 5:15 or so and get home at 6:00 on a really good day (like today was) or 6:30 if things don’t go so well.

We have dinner. We listen to little boy fuss and whine. This has been hard on him; I could make it easier for him if he didn’t make it so hard on me. I hate whining. Fingernails on a chalkboard.

After dinner and maybe some cartoons and dishes and maybe laundry and maybe homework, I’m about ready to drop from fatigue by 9:00. Actually, I’m about ready to drop from fatigue about 6:30, but there’s dinner and dishes and laundry and cartoons.

DH is a trooper and does at least 50% of what needs doing, if not more. He is way more patient and engaged with little boy than I am.

It’s 9:30 and I’m going to sleep.

Lori (a reader) pointed out in an e-mail that I am online today because I am off work today, and she is correct. Today is Veteran’s Day, a day when apparently only Bank and US Government employees get the day off. Maybe some state offices are closed, too, but not in Louisiana, I think.

DH had to work, and little boy had school, so I’m home all alone, just like I was for so very long ending less than two weeks ago. Today, though, it feels like a luxury, not a failure. I am finishing up some programming for the GED, and then I’m going to watch Sherlock Holmes DVD’s. I have a very long day tomorrow, and then a weekend.

Lest you all think that I have such a wonderful life, note this: I have to work a half day the day after Thanksgiving, and a half day Christmas Eve, and all day New Year’s Eve. I get no time off for Christmas or New Year’s Day, because they fall on a weekend. DH, though he is at work today, doesn’t have to teach Thanksgiving Week, and the week between Christmas and New Year the university is closed. So even though I get this day off in the middle of the week that nobody else gets, I would rather have his time off than mine.