Writing in the Corner

I had two interviews “out there” with no information. I found out that I didn’t get either one. The help desk job for the very big law firm was arranged through a headhunter. Apparently, my discussion of the stressful nature of help desk jobs, meant to indicate that I had experience at the work and that I knew what I was in for, and wanted the job anyway, was interpreted differently by the interviewer. And the job in Gretna went to somebody else, but apparently I came in second.

Like Vegas Joe says, maybe I just talked myself out of them.

On the upside, I went to the library and got a Tai Chi video and a book. I bought some two books and a video from Amazon, which is always fun. And only seven days after I turned in the Rx, my insurance company agreed to pay for medicine prescribed by my MD that will hopefully keep me from thinking about what to write in my suicide note. I took the first dose this evening.

What I bought from Amazon: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Tai Chi,Ten Days to Self-Esteem, a cognitive behavioral therapy workbook recommended by my therapist, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Season One, for the little boy. Really!

Yesterday, I drove up to my daughter’s house to spend the night.  My granddaughter and grandson are doing great.   I couldn’t get over how big the baby is!

Last night my daughter and SIL went out for an hour after the kids were asleep.  About 30 minutes after they left, granddaughter woke up.  Since DD had said that once granddaughter was asleep, she wouldn’t wake up until morning, we hadn’t discussed any details:  where are the diapers?  Where are her extra clothes?  Where are her wipes?  Fortunately, she wasn’t wet or dirty, just restless.  She fell asleep with me bouncing her on my knee, but every time I tried to stand up to put her back to bed, she woke up.  So I just sat in the comfy chair until DD and SIL came home.  Fortunately, they have a remote!

This afternoon, I was helping around the house to get ready for guests.  I made my grandson’s bed.  He watched and coached.  After I got it all made, he said, “Let’s do it again!”  He then ripped all the blankets and pillows off the bed.  I thought that this was a game I wasn’t interested in playing, so the bed stayed unmade.  He didn’t seem to mind.

Granddaughter’s baptism was lovely.  Mass was very nice.  The baptism was between the Homily and the Offertory, during Mass, rather than before or after.  I thought this was a nice touch.  The baptism was not only as a sacrament, but a welcome to the community.

I took communion, because I can (I received my First Communion when I was seven, and am a very ecumenical sort of Mormon).  I was holding my granddaughter, and when I went to the front, the woman passing communion put her hand on her head and said “Bless you.”  I was taken aback by how much this affected me…a woman, acting as a representative of Christ, blessing my granddaughter.

I go back home tomorrow.  It was a nice visit, but I’m glad to be going home.

I have an interview today for a job that sounds really good. I e-mailed them my resume yesterday at 12:52 and they called at 1:25 to set up an interview. Since I’m going to be out of town for a few days, I set it up for today. This is probably just a screening interview; she is only allowing 25-30 minutes. So, I will have just 10-15 minutes (tops) to be low-key, yet dazzling.

DH produced a spontaneous “you look good!” today, which earned him a very large kiss before we left the house. He almost never compliments me on my appearance without prompting, which is one of his few faults. I have, on a couple of occasions, reminded him of Heinlein’s statement: “Frequently tell your wife how beautiful she is…especially if she isn’t.”

My flight leaves at 4:00 p.m. today. I’m flying out of Gulfport, which is a much more accessible airport for us than New Orleans. We live across Lake Pontchartrain about 35 miles east of the city, and the airport is in Kenner, about 20 miles (or so) west of the city. Gulfport is also about 40 miles away, but it’s mostly through Mississippi bayou…hardly ever any traffic. It was worth the $30 extra airfare to fly from there.

I will be back home on Sunday. I’m so excited to see my daughter…and my grandkids!

I came out of my most recent depressive episode, sort of, during the recent Hurricane Ivan activities. I was just too worried and apprehensive and busy to have the luxury of being depressed. The first day or more after getting back, I was in a mild state of euphoria brought about by the relief of finding my house intact, my kitchen clean, water and power available, and the air conditioning in working order. Whew!

But now that’s worn off, and I’m back where I was a week ago. That is, with lots of negative scripts running through my head, and wishing I was dead.

I had an appointment with a therapist scheduled for last Thursday, but I cancelled it because I was evacuating. I will try to reschedule something for as soon as I can.

Efforts at positive thinking and self-exhortations to “snap out of it, woman” have been fruitless. I’m sure this is mostly situational, but I can’t see the situation changing unless I can get over this sense of hopelessness. Hopefully a few weeks of talk therapy (and maybe some meds) will help.